monday

health and wellness check today,

health worries

I'll start from the beginning,I have this lump inside the skin of my Palm,feels about the size of a Lima bean,had this has a couple years don't know how long it's been there really know it's been nearly 4 years because I had health insurance and and thought if I ever really bothered me I would go to the doctor,well now I have two more of them growing under his skin of my Palm the first one didn't hurt and now these are starting to hurt,and now the question is do I go to a doctor,or do I like to start taking my body over,of course I wonder if it's cancer,cancerous,on one hand my life sucks,and if I really die what's the big deal.I have no body that depends on me.I don't have a wife or any kids.I do occasionally watch my sister's kids but of course if I'm gone somebody else will just watch them,they've already have great memories of me.thing is the only reason to go to doctor is the fear of a slow painful death of cancer.was going to be fast that would be no problem.obviously the fear of the unknown.are the growth's in my hand cancerous,two weeks ago thinking of calling a doctor up,but it was was a Friday my doctors only there Monday to Thursday.truthfully I cannot remember last time I at the doctor's office,well who was when I was going through all the tests for my accident,since there's nothing they can do is no reason for me to go to the doctor.so here I am wondering if life is worth living.I mean I would never do anything to hurt myself,guess it has to do with my weekly job search,every time I go to the job center I feel like such a loser,here I am almost 50 years old,no job,nobody wants to hire me because of back injury,just a constant reminder of the life i have lost.I had dreams and plans.I'll get over this,,you need to face the facts and go to the doctor and find out what's going on with my hand.I don't neglect my health,yesterday I went to the dentist in had three fillings.and I don't know I can't put it into words,i feel like a loser,I've lost my career,soon as I tell an employer that I had back injury,they're like thanks for telling us,if we find something that it's your qualifications we will give you a call,it's like I got leprosy or something.

Christmas day 2008

wow,it's been a hard time today,I'm not enjoying life,I guess I was thinking of this blog as a way only of trying to gauge how I was feeling at different times of the year.and don't know why I have this negative view of life,maybe because I went on a job interview,and of course they gave me no offer of employment,because once they found out about my lifting restrictions,it was thank you will keep your resume on file and if anything should become available will give you a call,,basically I have a lifetime of experience that I can no longer use because of the back injury,just extremely depressed,I'm really hating life right now, the holidays are just making it worse,because I'm focusing on everything I've lost,and didn't see any prospects for the future. definitely hating life today. the physical pain is definitely taking a toll on my mental health, I used to say,I envy stupid people,because they walk around life without a care in the world,totally oblivious to the world,they're just happy, even though they're stupid,they have it made,because they don't have a care in the world ,nothing to worry about! was reading about a person died,and I thought about how lucky they were in that they don't not have to deal with the daily garbage of life.yes they don't have to put up with it anymore, they're lucky ones.

sometimes just trying to help

well I don't really have a life anymore because of my back injury,of course that's just the perception in the mind,see i get caught up into things I can no longer do instead of focusing on the things I can do.but when you're battling your brain and the bad side is winning,not so easy.and sitting here today wondering where the summer has gone,and also reading about other people,like trying to comment about somebody who's about to embark on a road trip,and if they should use their vehicle to make sure its road worthy,but I was accused of trying to make people paranoid. I heard this saying and somebody told me it was from the Boy Scouts,it's called the five P's
proper preparation
prevents poor
performance
basically if you don't do the proper footwork you're setting yourself up for failure,I'm just thinking of mechanical failure into machines we use in our life,you know automobiles,example,if you have a vehicle that has been sitting for three months not being used,and you also purchased the vehicle used,and then you plan on taking it on a cross-country trip,you're most likely to have mechanical issues,or maybe you won't,but in my thinking the smart thing would be to take it on a weekend trip to make sure it's not going to overheating,or have some other kind of mechanical problem,that way you can fix your problem before you start out on your cross-country trip,anyways my point is that if you do proper preparation you have less chances for poor performance.
anyways I have not updated this blog long time because frankly I do not want to write negative stuff and it's the way I've been feeling,when I comment on other people's blogs I'm just trying to help,I'm not trying to be mean.I guess my life experiences sometimes are hard to explain to other people.no my biggest problem in life right now is trying to find suitable employment,but now it seems the longer I'm unemployed the worst it's getting,soon as I tell people about my back injury the conversation changes very fast,if we find something that meets your qualifications will definitely give you a call.

I need to focus on the positives.
today I have a roof over my head
today I am not homeless
today I can still walk
today I still have food in my fridge
today I still have electricity
today I still have???????????
that focus on the good things I have today will go better.

1977

that was the year I graduated from grammar school,was young full of life,not sure what I was going to do with life,went to high school to learn to be a tool and die maker,junior year had a teacher that was a real a$$hole,and ended up hating my schooling,so here I am trying to figure out what to do with life,taking courses that I'm not going to use later in life because I have hatred for the classes,just basically doing enough to pass,being a poor kid,I had no thoughts or illusions of college,but I was doing what most inner-city 16-year-old kids do,party , stay out of trouble,party some more,looked old enough to buy my own liquor,mad dog 20-20,wild Irish Rose,cheap rot gut that got you drunk,that what was important to me,so anyways that's a picture of my 1977 bicycle that my parents gave me for graduating grammar school,that's what people did back then,was a big deal,today is traveled down memory lane,was not very good at school,was taking special education classes,well there was a change in policy,the school board was forced into integrated schools,so basically they integrated all the schools with white and black kids by shipping them my bus,well all the special-education programs were eliminated to pay for the busing,I realize all this now as an adult,but I remember being a kid having a speech therapist,teaching me how to speak and write,that was second-grade,third-grade was eliminated,well I failed third-grade,as an adult I know I'm responsible for my own actions,but when I was a child,it was all to the adults to do the right thing,needless to say I suffer from,don't know how put it into words,I just feel stupid & inadequate. I cannot spell simple words,(you're probably wondering how I'm writing this,I am cheating,I am using voice recognition software,computer does all spelling )I just received terrible news in that my nephew has to go to summer school,third-grade,well that's when all my memory is from of my schooling problems and such failing third-grade,so now I sit here thinking how do I help my nephew,when I was unable to help myself,example right now,I'm feeling like a failure at life,I found something and life I enjoyed doing,was hurt on the job,now I'm just another unemployed loser in life.I mean here I and my mid-40s,broken body,unemployed,don't really have much to offer a woman,I don't leave my home unless I go job hunting,I hate meeting people,because I feel ashamed of being injured,I got lots of pride in my last job,inside pride,to smart people I was just a truck driver,to me it was my life,it was a means of achieving goals I set,it was also something not everybody can do,I found I was good at operating machines,hand,eyes,feet coordination,well that's all great skills to hand to be in construction industry,plus I have lots of practical experience scheduling,inventory,anticipating future needs,pointing out surpluses and shortages,all things you learn through experience,which are all great qualities,but how do you express them a job application,so my thoughts are always rambling,it's been a week of basically beating myself up,feeling like a total loser and failure in life.the reason for that is I think of the future what can I offer a future wife,a broken body,the feelings of loneliness are terrible,I have such a sense of helplessness right now,life really sucks,at least when I'm outside and looking at the Garden I can see a sense of small accomplishment.but somehow,I can't see my future wife being impressed that I can plant vegetables and grow flowers,especially when something takes me all day to do,when a normal person can do it in an hour.I don't know how I end up focusing on all the negatives.I used to be able to suppress the feelings of being a loser with work,I was working 70 hours a week,working forward to my goal retirement,well being injured in the job,I've lost my whole future,well I guess I see my past as a loser,my parents are very old and fragile,I cannot physically help them,I have a sister going through all kinds of serious personal issues,everywhere I look in my life is nothing but everybody dealing with serious emotional issues.I cannot help them because I cannot even help myself.but I alive,I can still walk,which means I can still do basic means of self sufficiency,our survival,I guess I'm just trying to say I can still at least take care of myself,just a mental anguish of feeling like a loser,Father's Day did a number on me,because I always wanted a family,here I am mid-40s broken broken body,does not see anything positive to offer a woman.which brings me back to the bicycle and dreams I had when I was a young child,and now I see my nephew failing,and I worry his life will turn out like mine,but just because my life turned out terrible because I failed the third grade does not mean he will follow the same path.I'm a mess today

the only thing left

is the garden,I've lost my career and future is uncertain,but if I go into my yard,the mental pleasure of vegetables,offsets the physical pain,so my latest obsession is composting,which is done in nature,everything lives and dies,things are born and then recycled,I had a composting pile but was not able to properly take care of it because of injury,you're supposed to turn a compost pile to let air inside it,so that's the purpose of the black drum,it's a urban composter ,the great thing is it will produce a load of compost in a month versus a year,there's a hollow tube inside a lets air into the pile,which speeds up the breakdown process because the little microbes are getting air,they are living organisms,if they do not get air they suffocating and die,there's the whole micro analogy thing,I can understand it I just can't describe it properly,
you walk through a forest,nature does composting yearly,leaves grow fall down rot,nutrients feed the tree,leaves regrow again,one thing I cannot understand is people that rake their grass clippings to the curb,think about it, you are slowly taking the food away from your lawn,because you are not refeeding it,its growing,you're cutting and taking away the plants,well once it runs out of food it starts dying and looking like garbage,so then you pour all these chemical fertilizers on it,which really does not help because you've already taken the food away,and now you're poisoning the ground with fertilizer,and since there's no food in the ground to use the fertilizer,it washes away in the water supply,and ends up polluting all of us,know I'm not some kind of environmental freak,I've just started learning about soil micro organisms and such,and the way plants feet and such. the name of the book I'm reading is called teeming with microbes
inserted hyperlink in anybody's interested in the book,I have been an amateur gardener my whole life so this book really explains a lot of things I was doing good and a lot of things I was doing wrong.if you loved to play in the dirt like I do,this book is something like gone in the wind or some kind of other analogy,words can't describe how much information I have gathered and how it all makes so much sense in that the things I was doing wrong for my garden versus the things I was doing right,in the book it explains how the plants get their food.and the proper things you can do so plants get their proper nutrition.I rambled on enough.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0881927775/bookstorenow99-20

book link at amazon
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0881927775/bookstorenow99-20
or copy
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0881927775/bookstorenow99-20

the garden

well my home is never going to be in better homes and Gardens,is a labor of love,this is one month worth of work,every day I would do just a little but boy like everybody else you pay a price,but I figure if I'm walking around in all this pain I might as well at least do something I like,I know some members cannot do it, gardening anymore,just figured I would post a picture to make somebody smile.this is my first garden in three years since I've been hurt,figure if I'm going to end up in a wheelchair I might as well do stuff I enjoy,(this is a mental therapy session for myself speaking out loud ) I tried too see a therapist about depression but what happened to me was in pain so much one-day I'd totally forgot about therapy session and was presented with a $90 missed appointments fee,so no counseling for me,I would rather eat,that's two weeks food budget,(I only need to buy food for myself I live alone)just trying to share,hopefully somebody can relate. back to the picture,I really like homegrown vegetables the stuff you purchased in the store just taste terrible to me,so anyways,first row of vegetables is celery,second row is sweet peppers,next row is red cabbage,next row is broccoli,next row is tomatoes,then two rows of cucumbers,which planted seeds have not sprouted and has got me worried,the big wooden trellis is beans,the big green plants are horseradish,such a beautiful plant,in front of the horseradish is seven Jerusalem artichokes,(first-time growing them)other side of horseradish plant is a 1' x 2' section of recycled potatoes(potatoes that went bad over winter just planted)then 2 rows of spinach,and then in another eight plants of horseradish,so that is my garden,I have one more 10 foot long section in the front where I can plant more plants,not really sure what I'm going to put their. at least when I'm focusing the garden it helps with the mental pain of being injured.
have a great day everybody.
breakfest,3 eggs 4 slices of ham,