camping

took the kids camping,they had a great time. weather was hot for us up north in april 80 degrees.when i take the kids camping. I don't worry about not having a job or career.they keep me busy and i have no time to feel sorry for myself so to speak.

camper

spring is in the air so I had the urge to check out the camper,took the cover off the,wow and did not realize how messy I left it last fall,unfortunately when the pain kicks in the last thing I worry about is being neat,unfortunately that the character flaw,I am not the tidiest person,that is for another day,besides I'm trying to focus on positive things I tend to use the camper and an outdoor screen house in my yard,and of course the neatest thing is having a bed outside so to speak,not really knowing where I'm going with this paragraph today but it was good to hop inside the camper and daydream of better times.

springtime

well sometimes the hardest thing to do is to focus on all the good things you have in life,example financial freedom,it's the first time in 20 years I've ever had to live on a budget and it's quite humbling so to speak,I mean I've always lived within my means,example when I was making tremendous money I paid off my house,I did not have any faith in the stock market because I'm not smart enough for that kind of stuff,example i took a real bath and lost $12,000 in the stock market,so the only thing I was able to do was pay off the mortgage on my house,because I printed out a amortization schedule,and when I would double up the mortgage payments I could see how much I would take off the principal,so in my case I paid off my house in four years and instead of paying $150,000 in interest if I would've ran the loan for a full 30 years,I only paid 5000 in interest,so with the money that I saved in interest,I was able to purchase a new vehicle because instead of having a mortgage payment I had a car payment,and then without a mortgage payment I was able to pay off the the car loan quickly.and then that gave me money for other things.my point is that by paying the mortgage off quickly I had all the extra money to buy nice things,but in the beginning I sacrificed by driving old junkie cars,and I was obsessed with paying off the mortgage on my house,but if you print out a amortization schedule for your loan,and every time you pay an extra $500 on your principal you will see that it knocks months off the loan.some people will say while you lose the tax write-off,my case it did not matter because I did not have enough deductions to file an itemized tax deduction,I was much better off just taking the standard rate and doing the 1040 easy form,I'm just trying to focus on positive things I have done in my life.I know everybody's circumstances are different. but it really turned out great for myself in that I was able to use the interest I saved on my mortgage to buy toys with,example new vehicle.so that is my positive thought for the day.

budget

budget wow this is different, I hate to think of a budget life is definitely changed,basically after every day bills are paid,I have $25 a day to feed myself,purchase gasoline,save for the future,and then set aside money for future home repairs,auto purchase.the mind is racing.but it definitely could be worse.instantly get very depressed thinking of the future,specially employment prospects.I've had interviews and when I tell them of my back injury.the conversation quickly changes to, well thanks for your interest if we have a position that your qualifications will fit into, we will give you a call.and of course after the conversation,the key is not to let it get me down.that's the hardest part of life is trying to find the positive one there's negative circumstances.what is a negative circumstance that having gainful enjoyable employment.basically I've lost a career with the back injury,I took a lot of pride in my job and my abilities.basically all the skills I've had for earning an income involved using my body.see the depression instantly comes back when I tried to think of what I can do for a living,what I've lost because of the back injury,and how to move forward and see something positive.Hungary, angry, lonely, tired.while I have all of them going on inside me right now.I guess the easiest one to take care of will be the hunger,think i will make myself something to eat.

went to the river

was trying to enjoy some of the nice weather,it's finally starting to warm up around here,was about 55° which to us in the Northeast feels like a heat wave.plus I wanted a picture of my truck by the water. It's my only vehicle. After my back injury I've become paranoid about getting stuck,this is my first four-wheel drive vehicle.I don't do off road driving,this is as extreme as I will go.I need to get a fishing license.I have not fished for a long time it was something I really enjoyed doing back in the 80s. Then started working over the road and next thing I know I'm at middle age with health problems i.e. that injury which severely limits what I can do for enjoyment.

random thoughts

I guess I haven't updated because I'm trying to stay positive,see when trying to write or compose it reminds me of how I'm stupid i is when it comes to spelling,writing compositions that make sense so to speak.in when I first thought of doing this I thought it would be a way of getting the pain I feel inside outside and free my conscience so to speak,I have a very small family, my parents, my sister,a brother, and two friends.I do not like to complain or whine about my problems to them because they have their own pressures in life and do not need to hear about my problems.so whenever I share what's bothering me with somebody else I feel like I'm whining.I guess it's just the pressure of being alone and not having anybody to share things with.

Worry

somehow the thought of bad news has snuck back into my thinking,I never used to be afraid of the mailbox or the telephone, these used to be machines of joy and happiness,now every time the phone rings or I have to go to the mailbox I'm always wondering about what bad news will be there.so I'm sitting here wondering what's out in the mailbox but not really wanting to go outside into the cold and get the mail.since it's a Friday I'll usually do something like set the mail upside down on my table and not read until Monday morning,because if there's something bad in the mail,I cannot call or do anything about it until Monday which would be the next business day,of course I'll spend all weekend worrying about what bad news there is inside the mail.I never used to think this way when I had a career.
when I tell people about my injury they'll usually say something like well just go back to school,well I went for testing at this place,which the person who ran it was a real jerk,this person thought my previous career was handed to me,I was a truck driver,I worked very hard to get to be in a position to get a good union job,apparently this person hated unions and his snide comments were of no help to my situation,anyways I was tested and my writing skills are of third grade level.you wondering how I'm writing this,I'm using voice recognition software,highly recommended,it is Dragon naturally speaking version 8 . when I was doing problem-solving during the testing at this agency,I was able to do the solving but of course they were saying that it took me too long.well the skills that was using in this testing are not the everyday skills of a truck driver.I know some people say driving a truck is easy,but if it was so easy everybody would be doing,that's why they're such a shortage of drivers,well good drivers,I'm not saying I was a perfect driver,unfortunately there's a lot of bad truck drivers out there.so here I am trying to find a new career at 46 years old,I tried college and the problem I had was that i would get so frustrated,I could not write notes from class to understand,basically I would understand what the professor was saying but I could not spell the ideas fast enough on paper,so when there was a point that needed to remember he would already be talking on the next important subject and I was still trying to figure out how to spell his previous point,I had so much self-hatred for being stupid,I just wanted to die.so then a thought came into my head from the movie caddy shack + judge Smales says quote (the world needs ditch diggers too )that's when it hit me,that where're is no shame in being a truck driver,so instead of jumping off a bridge I went and found a job driving a truck. and I started driving small trucks and worked my way up to driving tractor-trailer,spent $4500 truck driving school,my first job driving a big truck I was paid $350 a week for working 80 hours a week.but I was following my dream and had to pay my dues,and believe me I paid some serious dues in my early days getting experience.so now I think back to how I sacrificed everything for later in life.so here I sit 46 year old broken back,no wife, no kids,ashamed to tell people I have no job, when I had a career it was easy to work all the time because I had the goal of retirement,that would take away the pain not having a family.yes today is one of them days weren't feeling extremely lonely,so now I have the shame of no job,no family,no future. but I guess on the other if I had a wife and family,how would I be providing for them now that I have no career.so this is just a brief synopsis of thoughts that run through my head.I'm not crazy,and just wish my back never got hurt.but the pain is there , a constant reminder of what was and is.the reality is never going to get any better physically,now is how to handle all is mentally.