Worry

somehow the thought of bad news has snuck back into my thinking,I never used to be afraid of the mailbox or the telephone, these used to be machines of joy and happiness,now every time the phone rings or I have to go to the mailbox I'm always wondering about what bad news will be there.so I'm sitting here wondering what's out in the mailbox but not really wanting to go outside into the cold and get the mail.since it's a Friday I'll usually do something like set the mail upside down on my table and not read until Monday morning,because if there's something bad in the mail,I cannot call or do anything about it until Monday which would be the next business day,of course I'll spend all weekend worrying about what bad news there is inside the mail.I never used to think this way when I had a career.
when I tell people about my injury they'll usually say something like well just go back to school,well I went for testing at this place,which the person who ran it was a real jerk,this person thought my previous career was handed to me,I was a truck driver,I worked very hard to get to be in a position to get a good union job,apparently this person hated unions and his snide comments were of no help to my situation,anyways I was tested and my writing skills are of third grade level.you wondering how I'm writing this,I'm using voice recognition software,highly recommended,it is Dragon naturally speaking version 8 . when I was doing problem-solving during the testing at this agency,I was able to do the solving but of course they were saying that it took me too long.well the skills that was using in this testing are not the everyday skills of a truck driver.I know some people say driving a truck is easy,but if it was so easy everybody would be doing,that's why they're such a shortage of drivers,well good drivers,I'm not saying I was a perfect driver,unfortunately there's a lot of bad truck drivers out there.so here I am trying to find a new career at 46 years old,I tried college and the problem I had was that i would get so frustrated,I could not write notes from class to understand,basically I would understand what the professor was saying but I could not spell the ideas fast enough on paper,so when there was a point that needed to remember he would already be talking on the next important subject and I was still trying to figure out how to spell his previous point,I had so much self-hatred for being stupid,I just wanted to die.so then a thought came into my head from the movie caddy shack + judge Smales says quote (the world needs ditch diggers too )that's when it hit me,that where're is no shame in being a truck driver,so instead of jumping off a bridge I went and found a job driving a truck. and I started driving small trucks and worked my way up to driving tractor-trailer,spent $4500 truck driving school,my first job driving a big truck I was paid $350 a week for working 80 hours a week.but I was following my dream and had to pay my dues,and believe me I paid some serious dues in my early days getting experience.so now I think back to how I sacrificed everything for later in life.so here I sit 46 year old broken back,no wife, no kids,ashamed to tell people I have no job, when I had a career it was easy to work all the time because I had the goal of retirement,that would take away the pain not having a family.yes today is one of them days weren't feeling extremely lonely,so now I have the shame of no job,no family,no future. but I guess on the other if I had a wife and family,how would I be providing for them now that I have no career.so this is just a brief synopsis of thoughts that run through my head.I'm not crazy,and just wish my back never got hurt.but the pain is there , a constant reminder of what was and is.the reality is never going to get any better physically,now is how to handle all is mentally.

The quest for a new life

Well my life has changed completely from a spinal injury. I'm not wheelchair-bound, I can live a somewhat normal life just in constant pain. It fluctuates with the amount of activity I do. I am trying to find a balance. So I find myself in late 40s without any marketable job skills. The reason I say that is I have no formal education. I have 25 years / cumulative work experience. But it seems as soon as I have an interview and I tell them about my back injury and about my work restrictions it goes to ,,well thank you for being honest and if we had something that fit's your qualifications we will give you a call.So if you read this far I guess I'm trying to find an outlet for my frustrations with employers and with life in general.I've lost my identity,I know people will say it was just a job.But it was all I ever enjoyed doing,now I'm stuck without a career,every job I've ever had involved using my body,operating machines,repairing machines,well with my spinal injury I cannot do any job that involves operating machines,so take 25 years of life experience and flush it down the drain.again I'm just frustrated,trying to find a purpose to stay alive.my needs are being taken care of. but I find my life spirit has been crushed.I just have so much running around my head all the time.I basically feel worthless. When I HAD my job I had a purpose and goals,now without my job I don't see how I can feel filled my goals,I was planning on retiring at 55 with a pension,since I've lost my job I have no pension,I'll get a partial pension at 67 but it won't be enough to live on.I know people tell me well you have to live in today.but I can't help about thinking about the future.I know my thoughts go all over the place.