Christmas day 2008

wow,it's been a hard time today,I'm not enjoying life,I guess I was thinking of this blog as a way only of trying to gauge how I was feeling at different times of the year.and don't know why I have this negative view of life,maybe because I went on a job interview,and of course they gave me no offer of employment,because once they found out about my lifting restrictions,it was thank you will keep your resume on file and if anything should become available will give you a call,,basically I have a lifetime of experience that I can no longer use because of the back injury,just extremely depressed,I'm really hating life right now, the holidays are just making it worse,because I'm focusing on everything I've lost,and didn't see any prospects for the future. definitely hating life today. the physical pain is definitely taking a toll on my mental health, I used to say,I envy stupid people,because they walk around life without a care in the world,totally oblivious to the world,they're just happy, even though they're stupid,they have it made,because they don't have a care in the world ,nothing to worry about! was reading about a person died,and I thought about how lucky they were in that they don't not have to deal with the daily garbage of life.yes they don't have to put up with it anymore, they're lucky ones.

sometimes just trying to help

well I don't really have a life anymore because of my back injury,of course that's just the perception in the mind,see i get caught up into things I can no longer do instead of focusing on the things I can do.but when you're battling your brain and the bad side is winning,not so easy.and sitting here today wondering where the summer has gone,and also reading about other people,like trying to comment about somebody who's about to embark on a road trip,and if they should use their vehicle to make sure its road worthy,but I was accused of trying to make people paranoid. I heard this saying and somebody told me it was from the Boy Scouts,it's called the five P's
proper preparation
prevents poor
performance
basically if you don't do the proper footwork you're setting yourself up for failure,I'm just thinking of mechanical failure into machines we use in our life,you know automobiles,example,if you have a vehicle that has been sitting for three months not being used,and you also purchased the vehicle used,and then you plan on taking it on a cross-country trip,you're most likely to have mechanical issues,or maybe you won't,but in my thinking the smart thing would be to take it on a weekend trip to make sure it's not going to overheating,or have some other kind of mechanical problem,that way you can fix your problem before you start out on your cross-country trip,anyways my point is that if you do proper preparation you have less chances for poor performance.
anyways I have not updated this blog long time because frankly I do not want to write negative stuff and it's the way I've been feeling,when I comment on other people's blogs I'm just trying to help,I'm not trying to be mean.I guess my life experiences sometimes are hard to explain to other people.no my biggest problem in life right now is trying to find suitable employment,but now it seems the longer I'm unemployed the worst it's getting,soon as I tell people about my back injury the conversation changes very fast,if we find something that meets your qualifications will definitely give you a call.

I need to focus on the positives.
today I have a roof over my head
today I am not homeless
today I can still walk
today I still have food in my fridge
today I still have electricity
today I still have???????????
that focus on the good things I have today will go better.

1977

that was the year I graduated from grammar school,was young full of life,not sure what I was going to do with life,went to high school to learn to be a tool and die maker,junior year had a teacher that was a real a$$hole,and ended up hating my schooling,so here I am trying to figure out what to do with life,taking courses that I'm not going to use later in life because I have hatred for the classes,just basically doing enough to pass,being a poor kid,I had no thoughts or illusions of college,but I was doing what most inner-city 16-year-old kids do,party , stay out of trouble,party some more,looked old enough to buy my own liquor,mad dog 20-20,wild Irish Rose,cheap rot gut that got you drunk,that what was important to me,so anyways that's a picture of my 1977 bicycle that my parents gave me for graduating grammar school,that's what people did back then,was a big deal,today is traveled down memory lane,was not very good at school,was taking special education classes,well there was a change in policy,the school board was forced into integrated schools,so basically they integrated all the schools with white and black kids by shipping them my bus,well all the special-education programs were eliminated to pay for the busing,I realize all this now as an adult,but I remember being a kid having a speech therapist,teaching me how to speak and write,that was second-grade,third-grade was eliminated,well I failed third-grade,as an adult I know I'm responsible for my own actions,but when I was a child,it was all to the adults to do the right thing,needless to say I suffer from,don't know how put it into words,I just feel stupid & inadequate. I cannot spell simple words,(you're probably wondering how I'm writing this,I am cheating,I am using voice recognition software,computer does all spelling )I just received terrible news in that my nephew has to go to summer school,third-grade,well that's when all my memory is from of my schooling problems and such failing third-grade,so now I sit here thinking how do I help my nephew,when I was unable to help myself,example right now,I'm feeling like a failure at life,I found something and life I enjoyed doing,was hurt on the job,now I'm just another unemployed loser in life.I mean here I and my mid-40s,broken body,unemployed,don't really have much to offer a woman,I don't leave my home unless I go job hunting,I hate meeting people,because I feel ashamed of being injured,I got lots of pride in my last job,inside pride,to smart people I was just a truck driver,to me it was my life,it was a means of achieving goals I set,it was also something not everybody can do,I found I was good at operating machines,hand,eyes,feet coordination,well that's all great skills to hand to be in construction industry,plus I have lots of practical experience scheduling,inventory,anticipating future needs,pointing out surpluses and shortages,all things you learn through experience,which are all great qualities,but how do you express them a job application,so my thoughts are always rambling,it's been a week of basically beating myself up,feeling like a total loser and failure in life.the reason for that is I think of the future what can I offer a future wife,a broken body,the feelings of loneliness are terrible,I have such a sense of helplessness right now,life really sucks,at least when I'm outside and looking at the Garden I can see a sense of small accomplishment.but somehow,I can't see my future wife being impressed that I can plant vegetables and grow flowers,especially when something takes me all day to do,when a normal person can do it in an hour.I don't know how I end up focusing on all the negatives.I used to be able to suppress the feelings of being a loser with work,I was working 70 hours a week,working forward to my goal retirement,well being injured in the job,I've lost my whole future,well I guess I see my past as a loser,my parents are very old and fragile,I cannot physically help them,I have a sister going through all kinds of serious personal issues,everywhere I look in my life is nothing but everybody dealing with serious emotional issues.I cannot help them because I cannot even help myself.but I alive,I can still walk,which means I can still do basic means of self sufficiency,our survival,I guess I'm just trying to say I can still at least take care of myself,just a mental anguish of feeling like a loser,Father's Day did a number on me,because I always wanted a family,here I am mid-40s broken broken body,does not see anything positive to offer a woman.which brings me back to the bicycle and dreams I had when I was a young child,and now I see my nephew failing,and I worry his life will turn out like mine,but just because my life turned out terrible because I failed the third grade does not mean he will follow the same path.I'm a mess today

the only thing left

is the garden,I've lost my career and future is uncertain,but if I go into my yard,the mental pleasure of vegetables,offsets the physical pain,so my latest obsession is composting,which is done in nature,everything lives and dies,things are born and then recycled,I had a composting pile but was not able to properly take care of it because of injury,you're supposed to turn a compost pile to let air inside it,so that's the purpose of the black drum,it's a urban composter ,the great thing is it will produce a load of compost in a month versus a year,there's a hollow tube inside a lets air into the pile,which speeds up the breakdown process because the little microbes are getting air,they are living organisms,if they do not get air they suffocating and die,there's the whole micro analogy thing,I can understand it I just can't describe it properly,
you walk through a forest,nature does composting yearly,leaves grow fall down rot,nutrients feed the tree,leaves regrow again,one thing I cannot understand is people that rake their grass clippings to the curb,think about it, you are slowly taking the food away from your lawn,because you are not refeeding it,its growing,you're cutting and taking away the plants,well once it runs out of food it starts dying and looking like garbage,so then you pour all these chemical fertilizers on it,which really does not help because you've already taken the food away,and now you're poisoning the ground with fertilizer,and since there's no food in the ground to use the fertilizer,it washes away in the water supply,and ends up polluting all of us,know I'm not some kind of environmental freak,I've just started learning about soil micro organisms and such,and the way plants feet and such. the name of the book I'm reading is called teeming with microbes
inserted hyperlink in anybody's interested in the book,I have been an amateur gardener my whole life so this book really explains a lot of things I was doing good and a lot of things I was doing wrong.if you loved to play in the dirt like I do,this book is something like gone in the wind or some kind of other analogy,words can't describe how much information I have gathered and how it all makes so much sense in that the things I was doing wrong for my garden versus the things I was doing right,in the book it explains how the plants get their food.and the proper things you can do so plants get their proper nutrition.I rambled on enough.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0881927775/bookstorenow99-20

book link at amazon
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0881927775/bookstorenow99-20
or copy
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0881927775/bookstorenow99-20

the garden

well my home is never going to be in better homes and Gardens,is a labor of love,this is one month worth of work,every day I would do just a little but boy like everybody else you pay a price,but I figure if I'm walking around in all this pain I might as well at least do something I like,I know some members cannot do it, gardening anymore,just figured I would post a picture to make somebody smile.this is my first garden in three years since I've been hurt,figure if I'm going to end up in a wheelchair I might as well do stuff I enjoy,(this is a mental therapy session for myself speaking out loud ) I tried too see a therapist about depression but what happened to me was in pain so much one-day I'd totally forgot about therapy session and was presented with a $90 missed appointments fee,so no counseling for me,I would rather eat,that's two weeks food budget,(I only need to buy food for myself I live alone)just trying to share,hopefully somebody can relate. back to the picture,I really like homegrown vegetables the stuff you purchased in the store just taste terrible to me,so anyways,first row of vegetables is celery,second row is sweet peppers,next row is red cabbage,next row is broccoli,next row is tomatoes,then two rows of cucumbers,which planted seeds have not sprouted and has got me worried,the big wooden trellis is beans,the big green plants are horseradish,such a beautiful plant,in front of the horseradish is seven Jerusalem artichokes,(first-time growing them)other side of horseradish plant is a 1' x 2' section of recycled potatoes(potatoes that went bad over winter just planted)then 2 rows of spinach,and then in another eight plants of horseradish,so that is my garden,I have one more 10 foot long section in the front where I can plant more plants,not really sure what I'm going to put their. at least when I'm focusing the garden it helps with the mental pain of being injured.
have a great day everybody.
breakfest,3 eggs 4 slices of ham,

food

well the food from the dumpster did not work out,i have a psychological block or something,but I did eat about eight strawberries the first day. today I figured I would use the strawberries inside my oatmeal, sliced them,cook them inside the oatmeal,it just did not taste right,so now I'm not going to eat any of the food I got out of the dumpster,this is a picture of the food I have in my fridge.if you subtract the package of mushrooms,broccoli,tomatoes,strawberries,was really not much food in my fridge,living alone I really don't like to cook,funny thing my father and mother are great cooks and I never learned how to really cook,like when I try to make vegetable soup,it doesn't come out anything like my dad's.I remember trying to make liver,I definitely overcook,that's one of the food's takes experience to cook.it's definitely not appetizing before cooking liver but finished product is delicious.anyways I sold a part of my past yesterday,I purchased a motorcycle in 1993 learned how to ride,then the thrill kind of disappeared,really what happened was just so busy working all the time.so them I gave it to a friend in 1999, he rode it for two years,seen a fellow motorcyclist get T-boned at an intersection,after that he did not want to ride anymore,so he gave me the bike back in 2001,I ride it for another year,then in fall of 2002 parked it for the winter,come springtime 03,it would not start,did not have time to mess around with it,so there it sat for five years,yesterday I put it on Craig's list for $50 was happy that it went fast but sad to see it go,I had the dream of one-day rebuilding it,but reality of tearing it completely apart and rebuilding spinal injury would not let it happen.so yesterday was another day of acceptance in spinal injury 101
trying to have a realistic outlook on life.

garbage dumpster diving

well I needed to make a small climbing trellis is for my garden,I was going to Home Depot to check out the bargain bin but first I needed to stop for groceries,well by the dumpster of the grocery store and they had some packaging lumber by the dumpster,so I went inside and asked if it was OK to take,they gave me the OK,so while loading the scrap pieces of wood,I looked inside the dumpster and don't know how to admit this,life gets tough ,you make do,while I don't like the thought of eating food from a dumpster I could not pass it up.this is stuff that will be edible.I'm eating the strawberries as I write this,yes strawberries picked out of the garbage dumpster,I will not buy them as they are too expensive,so these are pictures of it.
ps. I'll be the only one eating the food from the dumpster

fun

the first pic is of me shooting a 30-06 as you can tell by the smile on my face and it's one heck of a rifle if I were to purchase a rifle this would be the one,second picture is of my nephew learning to shoot a 50 Cal,he's just a little too small yet,the third picture is of my niece hopping on the snow machine,she's saying when I get old enough I'll be riding all over the place,



thinking back to fun times.random pictures of fun.

well I'm definitely not an urban hermit

started reading this web site about people that consider themselves urban hermits,I do not wish to withdrawal from society,of course since I've had my back injury I have found myself doing that very slowly,I don't know why I feel a sense of shame for having a back injury,I guess it has to do with I used to be very strong,was able to do lots of things that required my physical strength,I mean one of my biggest problems was asking somebody for help.I would figure out tons of ways to do things myself so I would not need to ask somebody for help,a perfect example is when I purchased my house years ago,I moved everything except the biggest items I could not carry myself,I think back to when I was younger and I could pick up a television set by myself,so now I start thinking that when the television breaks in my bedroom,I would actually have to pay somebody,you know the people from the store to actually deliver the television and take the old one away,that really just drives me crazy,because it reminds me that I don't have the physical strength anymore,that's the worst part about the back injury is that it has crushed all my dreams travel, of being self-reliance,now I have to come to grips with having to ask people to help me do things.this is where the battle with depression begins,as I write this stuff,the thoughts of a failed life, crushed dreams,they all come into my thoughts,I start focusing on the things I won't be able to do,and it just gets me into a very negative spot.I don't know how to put this into words,but that is my daily battle with depression,trying to focus on the positive things every day,instead of focusing on my broken dreams that is back injury is causing.one way I always get a fresh respective,I start thinking about people who have it 10 times worse than me and then I stop feeling sorry for myself,I mean I look perfectly normal,what they don't realize is the physical agony I have going on inside,I know the only people that understand the pain I'm in are the people that have had back injuries themselves,I know before I was injured I thought I knew a little bit about pain,well anyways I find my physical pain starts lead to mental pain or mental anguish,or basically just depression.see writing about this is my way of trying to relieve some of it. well I'm not ready to quit life yet,the hard part is trying to find a balance between dreams and realistic physical goals I can accomplish.see before I was hurt I had the dream of retirement and travel,I was working towards that goal,I had great job,I was going to be able to achieve my goal,well now that I'm injured there's no way I'm going achieve my former dream,just for statistical purposes I was saving $20,000 in a 401(k) plan,personal savings was approximately $15,000 a year for retirement,and then my union pension fund was getting approximately $14,000 a year,so with my back injury I have lost it all . now I can't even get a nine dollar hour job,soon as I tell them about my back injury it's like a thank you very much for your interest if we find something that will meet your qualifications we will give you a call,I had had counselors tell me not to disclose,well I can't erase 20 years of jobs that all required physical labor,everything I've ever done for a living involved my hands and back,they always ask me why I'm not driving anymore and I tell them about my back injury,so here I am my mid-40s with a broken body,well broken back which affects your whole body,picture dropping your keys,bending over to pick them up,then when you straighten up,it feels like somebody just hit you in the back with a baseball bat,that's my life,that's why I get depressed. I don't even want to get into something as simple as getting dressed.all little things taken for granted until you have a back injury.now I sound like I'm whining. I was always a believer of suck up and deal with the pain.
anyways a friend told me,that God did not bring me this far to drop me on my head,when I can remember that simple saying I can deal with life.the problem is when I'm going through all of it and my thoughts are all jumbled,and I have the Depression binders on,I cannot remember that sentence.so now I am repeating it for myself, God did not bring me this far to drop me my head. have a great day everybody.

planting veggies

ideally it would be great to have the whole planted,but I am making progress,I've always been the type of person to do everything all at once,so now having to break things down into segments so to speak,is very different,I need to be happy with progress.this is the updated a picture of my garden.

couple more pictures of camping,

the thoughts running around inside my head

feel like I was run over by a steamroller,the pictures of my garden.does give me some satisfaction.really enjoy eating homegrown vegetables,nothing more satisfying watching something you cultivated.of course if you really think of the miracle of nature how something starts from a small seed, will grow up edible plant.wish I could do more in my backyard.something I could do in a day now takes a week.also caught a garden snake,do not think of taking a picture of it until I was halfway down the street,there's a big wooded and fields at the end my road so I took him down there and released him.I used to catch snakes all the time,then one time while working in South Carolina,seeing this black snake crossing the road,jumped out of the truck chased the snake through a field,did not catch him though,later on the road inspector came over and asked me i caught it,told him it was too fast,inspector asked me what kind of snake it was,told him it was black snake,he told me it was poisonous,so after that I did not catch a snake for a long time,but sometimes you just do things without thinking and just do it out of habit,like today seening a snake in my yard,figured I'd just catch it, i do not want to run over it with the lawn mower,of course probably should have just let him live in my garden(flower patch)since they do eat mice and such,this is a picture of the flower patch I caught him in it.(fowler patch upper left corner

planting veggies

the round cage will be snap peas,the 16inch plants are horseradish
the rows between the weed barrier is spinach

The yard &garden

it's amazing how much better I feel mentally when there is color outside.my backyard

camping

took the kids camping,they had a great time. weather was hot for us up north in april 80 degrees.when i take the kids camping. I don't worry about not having a job or career.they keep me busy and i have no time to feel sorry for myself so to speak.

camper

spring is in the air so I had the urge to check out the camper,took the cover off the,wow and did not realize how messy I left it last fall,unfortunately when the pain kicks in the last thing I worry about is being neat,unfortunately that the character flaw,I am not the tidiest person,that is for another day,besides I'm trying to focus on positive things I tend to use the camper and an outdoor screen house in my yard,and of course the neatest thing is having a bed outside so to speak,not really knowing where I'm going with this paragraph today but it was good to hop inside the camper and daydream of better times.

springtime

well sometimes the hardest thing to do is to focus on all the good things you have in life,example financial freedom,it's the first time in 20 years I've ever had to live on a budget and it's quite humbling so to speak,I mean I've always lived within my means,example when I was making tremendous money I paid off my house,I did not have any faith in the stock market because I'm not smart enough for that kind of stuff,example i took a real bath and lost $12,000 in the stock market,so the only thing I was able to do was pay off the mortgage on my house,because I printed out a amortization schedule,and when I would double up the mortgage payments I could see how much I would take off the principal,so in my case I paid off my house in four years and instead of paying $150,000 in interest if I would've ran the loan for a full 30 years,I only paid 5000 in interest,so with the money that I saved in interest,I was able to purchase a new vehicle because instead of having a mortgage payment I had a car payment,and then without a mortgage payment I was able to pay off the the car loan quickly.and then that gave me money for other things.my point is that by paying the mortgage off quickly I had all the extra money to buy nice things,but in the beginning I sacrificed by driving old junkie cars,and I was obsessed with paying off the mortgage on my house,but if you print out a amortization schedule for your loan,and every time you pay an extra $500 on your principal you will see that it knocks months off the loan.some people will say while you lose the tax write-off,my case it did not matter because I did not have enough deductions to file an itemized tax deduction,I was much better off just taking the standard rate and doing the 1040 easy form,I'm just trying to focus on positive things I have done in my life.I know everybody's circumstances are different. but it really turned out great for myself in that I was able to use the interest I saved on my mortgage to buy toys with,example new vehicle.so that is my positive thought for the day.

budget

budget wow this is different, I hate to think of a budget life is definitely changed,basically after every day bills are paid,I have $25 a day to feed myself,purchase gasoline,save for the future,and then set aside money for future home repairs,auto purchase.the mind is racing.but it definitely could be worse.instantly get very depressed thinking of the future,specially employment prospects.I've had interviews and when I tell them of my back injury.the conversation quickly changes to, well thanks for your interest if we have a position that your qualifications will fit into, we will give you a call.and of course after the conversation,the key is not to let it get me down.that's the hardest part of life is trying to find the positive one there's negative circumstances.what is a negative circumstance that having gainful enjoyable employment.basically I've lost a career with the back injury,I took a lot of pride in my job and my abilities.basically all the skills I've had for earning an income involved using my body.see the depression instantly comes back when I tried to think of what I can do for a living,what I've lost because of the back injury,and how to move forward and see something positive.Hungary, angry, lonely, tired.while I have all of them going on inside me right now.I guess the easiest one to take care of will be the hunger,think i will make myself something to eat.

went to the river

was trying to enjoy some of the nice weather,it's finally starting to warm up around here,was about 55° which to us in the Northeast feels like a heat wave.plus I wanted a picture of my truck by the water. It's my only vehicle. After my back injury I've become paranoid about getting stuck,this is my first four-wheel drive vehicle.I don't do off road driving,this is as extreme as I will go.I need to get a fishing license.I have not fished for a long time it was something I really enjoyed doing back in the 80s. Then started working over the road and next thing I know I'm at middle age with health problems i.e. that injury which severely limits what I can do for enjoyment.

random thoughts

I guess I haven't updated because I'm trying to stay positive,see when trying to write or compose it reminds me of how I'm stupid i is when it comes to spelling,writing compositions that make sense so to speak.in when I first thought of doing this I thought it would be a way of getting the pain I feel inside outside and free my conscience so to speak,I have a very small family, my parents, my sister,a brother, and two friends.I do not like to complain or whine about my problems to them because they have their own pressures in life and do not need to hear about my problems.so whenever I share what's bothering me with somebody else I feel like I'm whining.I guess it's just the pressure of being alone and not having anybody to share things with.

Worry

somehow the thought of bad news has snuck back into my thinking,I never used to be afraid of the mailbox or the telephone, these used to be machines of joy and happiness,now every time the phone rings or I have to go to the mailbox I'm always wondering about what bad news will be there.so I'm sitting here wondering what's out in the mailbox but not really wanting to go outside into the cold and get the mail.since it's a Friday I'll usually do something like set the mail upside down on my table and not read until Monday morning,because if there's something bad in the mail,I cannot call or do anything about it until Monday which would be the next business day,of course I'll spend all weekend worrying about what bad news there is inside the mail.I never used to think this way when I had a career.
when I tell people about my injury they'll usually say something like well just go back to school,well I went for testing at this place,which the person who ran it was a real jerk,this person thought my previous career was handed to me,I was a truck driver,I worked very hard to get to be in a position to get a good union job,apparently this person hated unions and his snide comments were of no help to my situation,anyways I was tested and my writing skills are of third grade level.you wondering how I'm writing this,I'm using voice recognition software,highly recommended,it is Dragon naturally speaking version 8 . when I was doing problem-solving during the testing at this agency,I was able to do the solving but of course they were saying that it took me too long.well the skills that was using in this testing are not the everyday skills of a truck driver.I know some people say driving a truck is easy,but if it was so easy everybody would be doing,that's why they're such a shortage of drivers,well good drivers,I'm not saying I was a perfect driver,unfortunately there's a lot of bad truck drivers out there.so here I am trying to find a new career at 46 years old,I tried college and the problem I had was that i would get so frustrated,I could not write notes from class to understand,basically I would understand what the professor was saying but I could not spell the ideas fast enough on paper,so when there was a point that needed to remember he would already be talking on the next important subject and I was still trying to figure out how to spell his previous point,I had so much self-hatred for being stupid,I just wanted to die.so then a thought came into my head from the movie caddy shack + judge Smales says quote (the world needs ditch diggers too )that's when it hit me,that where're is no shame in being a truck driver,so instead of jumping off a bridge I went and found a job driving a truck. and I started driving small trucks and worked my way up to driving tractor-trailer,spent $4500 truck driving school,my first job driving a big truck I was paid $350 a week for working 80 hours a week.but I was following my dream and had to pay my dues,and believe me I paid some serious dues in my early days getting experience.so now I think back to how I sacrificed everything for later in life.so here I sit 46 year old broken back,no wife, no kids,ashamed to tell people I have no job, when I had a career it was easy to work all the time because I had the goal of retirement,that would take away the pain not having a family.yes today is one of them days weren't feeling extremely lonely,so now I have the shame of no job,no family,no future. but I guess on the other if I had a wife and family,how would I be providing for them now that I have no career.so this is just a brief synopsis of thoughts that run through my head.I'm not crazy,and just wish my back never got hurt.but the pain is there , a constant reminder of what was and is.the reality is never going to get any better physically,now is how to handle all is mentally.

The quest for a new life

Well my life has changed completely from a spinal injury. I'm not wheelchair-bound, I can live a somewhat normal life just in constant pain. It fluctuates with the amount of activity I do. I am trying to find a balance. So I find myself in late 40s without any marketable job skills. The reason I say that is I have no formal education. I have 25 years / cumulative work experience. But it seems as soon as I have an interview and I tell them about my back injury and about my work restrictions it goes to ,,well thank you for being honest and if we had something that fit's your qualifications we will give you a call.So if you read this far I guess I'm trying to find an outlet for my frustrations with employers and with life in general.I've lost my identity,I know people will say it was just a job.But it was all I ever enjoyed doing,now I'm stuck without a career,every job I've ever had involved using my body,operating machines,repairing machines,well with my spinal injury I cannot do any job that involves operating machines,so take 25 years of life experience and flush it down the drain.again I'm just frustrated,trying to find a purpose to stay alive.my needs are being taken care of. but I find my life spirit has been crushed.I just have so much running around my head all the time.I basically feel worthless. When I HAD my job I had a purpose and goals,now without my job I don't see how I can feel filled my goals,I was planning on retiring at 55 with a pension,since I've lost my job I have no pension,I'll get a partial pension at 67 but it won't be enough to live on.I know people tell me well you have to live in today.but I can't help about thinking about the future.I know my thoughts go all over the place.