started reading this web site about people that consider themselves urban hermits,I do not wish to withdrawal from society,of course since I've had my back injury I have found myself doing that very slowly,I don't know why I feel a sense of shame for having a back injury,I guess it has to do with I used to be very strong,was able to do lots of things that required my physical strength,I mean one of my biggest problems was asking somebody for help.I would figure out tons of ways to do things myself so I would not need to ask somebody for help,a perfect example is when I purchased my house years ago,I moved everything except the biggest items I could not carry myself,I think back to when I was younger and I could pick up a television set by myself,so now I start thinking that when the television breaks in my bedroom,I would actually have to pay somebody,you know the people from the store to actually deliver the television and take the old one away,that really just drives me crazy,because it reminds me that I don't have the physical strength anymore,that's the worst part about the back injury is that it has crushed all my dreams travel, of being self-reliance,now I have to come to grips with having to ask people to help me do things.this is where the battle with depression begins,as I write this stuff,the thoughts of a failed life, crushed dreams,they all come into my thoughts,I start focusing on the things I won't be able to do,and it just gets me into a very negative spot.I don't know how to put this into words,but that is my daily battle with depression,trying to focus on the positive things every day,instead of focusing on my broken dreams that is back injury is causing.one way I always get a fresh respective,I start thinking about people who have it 10 times worse than me and then I stop feeling sorry for myself,I mean I look perfectly normal,what they don't realize is the physical agony I have going on inside,I know the only people that understand the pain I'm in are the people that have had back injuries themselves,I know before I was injured I thought I knew a little bit about pain,well anyways I find my physical pain starts lead to mental pain or mental anguish,or basically just depression.see writing about this is my way of trying to relieve some of it. well I'm not ready to quit life yet,the hard part is trying to find a balance between dreams and realistic physical goals I can accomplish.see before I was hurt I had the dream of retirement and travel,I was working towards that goal,I had great job,I was going to be able to achieve my goal,well now that I'm injured there's no way I'm going achieve my former dream,just for statistical purposes I was saving $20,000 in a 401(k) plan,personal savings was approximately $15,000 a year for retirement,and then my union pension fund was getting approximately $14,000 a year,so with my back injury I have lost it all . now I can't even get a nine dollar hour job,soon as I tell them about my back injury it's like a thank you very much for your interest if we find something that will meet your qualifications we will give you a call,I had had counselors tell me not to disclose,well I can't erase 20 years of jobs that all required physical labor,everything I've ever done for a living involved my hands and back,they always ask me why I'm not driving anymore and I tell them about my back injury,so here I am my mid-40s with a broken body,well broken back which affects your whole body,picture dropping your keys,bending over to pick them up,then when you straighten up,it feels like somebody just hit you in the back with a baseball bat,that's my life,that's why I get depressed. I don't even want to get into something as simple as getting dressed.all little things taken for granted until you have a back injury.now I sound like I'm whining. I was always a believer of suck up and deal with the pain.
anyways a friend told me,that God did not bring me this far to drop me on my head,when I can remember that simple saying I can deal with life.the problem is when I'm going through all of it and my thoughts are all jumbled,and I have the Depression binders on,I cannot remember that sentence.so now I am repeating it for myself, God did not bring me this far to drop me my head. have a great day everybody.
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