1977

that was the year I graduated from grammar school,was young full of life,not sure what I was going to do with life,went to high school to learn to be a tool and die maker,junior year had a teacher that was a real a$$hole,and ended up hating my schooling,so here I am trying to figure out what to do with life,taking courses that I'm not going to use later in life because I have hatred for the classes,just basically doing enough to pass,being a poor kid,I had no thoughts or illusions of college,but I was doing what most inner-city 16-year-old kids do,party , stay out of trouble,party some more,looked old enough to buy my own liquor,mad dog 20-20,wild Irish Rose,cheap rot gut that got you drunk,that what was important to me,so anyways that's a picture of my 1977 bicycle that my parents gave me for graduating grammar school,that's what people did back then,was a big deal,today is traveled down memory lane,was not very good at school,was taking special education classes,well there was a change in policy,the school board was forced into integrated schools,so basically they integrated all the schools with white and black kids by shipping them my bus,well all the special-education programs were eliminated to pay for the busing,I realize all this now as an adult,but I remember being a kid having a speech therapist,teaching me how to speak and write,that was second-grade,third-grade was eliminated,well I failed third-grade,as an adult I know I'm responsible for my own actions,but when I was a child,it was all to the adults to do the right thing,needless to say I suffer from,don't know how put it into words,I just feel stupid & inadequate. I cannot spell simple words,(you're probably wondering how I'm writing this,I am cheating,I am using voice recognition software,computer does all spelling )I just received terrible news in that my nephew has to go to summer school,third-grade,well that's when all my memory is from of my schooling problems and such failing third-grade,so now I sit here thinking how do I help my nephew,when I was unable to help myself,example right now,I'm feeling like a failure at life,I found something and life I enjoyed doing,was hurt on the job,now I'm just another unemployed loser in life.I mean here I and my mid-40s,broken body,unemployed,don't really have much to offer a woman,I don't leave my home unless I go job hunting,I hate meeting people,because I feel ashamed of being injured,I got lots of pride in my last job,inside pride,to smart people I was just a truck driver,to me it was my life,it was a means of achieving goals I set,it was also something not everybody can do,I found I was good at operating machines,hand,eyes,feet coordination,well that's all great skills to hand to be in construction industry,plus I have lots of practical experience scheduling,inventory,anticipating future needs,pointing out surpluses and shortages,all things you learn through experience,which are all great qualities,but how do you express them a job application,so my thoughts are always rambling,it's been a week of basically beating myself up,feeling like a total loser and failure in life.the reason for that is I think of the future what can I offer a future wife,a broken body,the feelings of loneliness are terrible,I have such a sense of helplessness right now,life really sucks,at least when I'm outside and looking at the Garden I can see a sense of small accomplishment.but somehow,I can't see my future wife being impressed that I can plant vegetables and grow flowers,especially when something takes me all day to do,when a normal person can do it in an hour.I don't know how I end up focusing on all the negatives.I used to be able to suppress the feelings of being a loser with work,I was working 70 hours a week,working forward to my goal retirement,well being injured in the job,I've lost my whole future,well I guess I see my past as a loser,my parents are very old and fragile,I cannot physically help them,I have a sister going through all kinds of serious personal issues,everywhere I look in my life is nothing but everybody dealing with serious emotional issues.I cannot help them because I cannot even help myself.but I alive,I can still walk,which means I can still do basic means of self sufficiency,our survival,I guess I'm just trying to say I can still at least take care of myself,just a mental anguish of feeling like a loser,Father's Day did a number on me,because I always wanted a family,here I am mid-40s broken broken body,does not see anything positive to offer a woman.which brings me back to the bicycle and dreams I had when I was a young child,and now I see my nephew failing,and I worry his life will turn out like mine,but just because my life turned out terrible because I failed the third grade does not mean he will follow the same path.I'm a mess today